mistakes kill

I think the only thing I liked about your first poem was the name, the subject and this:

They say everybody’s doing it,
That it will make you look cool
The pressure is almost too much
Resistance is hard

Everything else is way too literal and you absolutely need more emotion. The second was better but still lacking as one person had already said. You need to write it as if it happened to you, not in first person but what you think about the situation and how you feel.

okee dokee, ill work on it some more tonight. thanks for the update.

It's definately better, but still lacking.

It dosen't flow well. Ecspecially the part that says "The pressure is almost too much/to bear." It's a long(er than some) line, then a two word line. It just sounds really awkward.

But, again, the rhythm needs work. But keep writing. This'll be really god in the end.

here is a more fleshed out version.

Mistakes can Kill

They say everybody’s doing it,
That it will make you look cool
i don't think i can keep this up for much longer
The pressure is almost too much
to bear
My weak resistance is failing
its getting harder and harder
to say no

I went out
Driving
I was hit
propeled from the car
crashing threw the window
and hitting the pavement
hard

The next thing I knew was pain
Unbearable pain
my blood pooling underneath
my crumpled
unmoving form

while Rushed to the hospital
I hear about the other car
Reduced to nothing but scrap
All close and loved friends
drunk driver
now waiting in the dark
waiting
for another to join their unliving company
wating for many more to make the same deadly mistake
mistakes can kill

the poem sounded to dramatic, i didn't like it very much but over allit really tells what happens when you and other people make misakes

Dargquon Ql'deleodna wrote:ill think about that, jack. if you dont mind could you give me some pointers as to where i could inlude emotions?

ill try to put more emotion in it and grip the reader, wish me luck .

the whole poem needs more emotion. i mean, because it was so short i actually read it but if it had been even the slightest bit longer i don't thinki would have.

a subject like this needs to be very gripping, very real and very full of emotion because it is a poem with a message and for the reader to pay any attention to the message, the reader must be absolutely gripped by the poem.

this is barely even the poems of a poem. i think you really need to work to fill it out and put more emotion, a bit more of yourself, into it.

i wouldn't, however, change the title. it's pretty simple but i liked it.

ill think about that, jack. if you dont mind could you give me some pointers as to where i could inlude emotions?

I didn't really like this poem - too literal. It's like me going -

There is a tree
it's brown and green
it has brances
and leaves

Not poetic enough. Try and insert some more emotion into your piece.

this tells what really happens to people thaat make mistakes.